Terms of Use

Okay. Here’s the deal: if you read my blog, you have to agree with everything in this Terms of Uselessness. Otherwise, go away.
This page can change at my whim, and I don’t have to tell you anything that’s in it. Even if you don’t know what is happening, and even if I play tricks on you, you still have to mindlessly obey this TOU.
1. I am not responsible for anything that happens to anything. So you can’t sue me if your mind rots, if you go insane, if anything here is incorrect, if you die because of what I wrote, if you become dizzy or sick, if you try to commit suicide because this TOU is so ridiculous, if I make grammar or speliling error, if there’s something wrong on the internet, if someone commits a crime or does anything illegal because of me, if I live in Canada (which I don’t) and happen to insult you, if I’m on the same page of a Google search result as a website that insults you, or if you start suffering because of this website from clinical insanity, blindness, deafness, mental instability, suicidal thoughts, brain damage, depression, yelling, screaming, flaming computers, lack of spam, jealousy, lawyerness, indigestion, death, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, lack of exercise, obesity, stupidity, any phobia, nightmares, happiness, sadness, emotions, an urge to litigate, litigation, cease and desist letters, phone calls saying “seven days…”, DMCA takedown notices, lung disease, mental illnesses of any sort, a belief that the author of this is trying but failing miserably to be funny, a belief that evolution doesn’t exist, any sort of delusions, distraction, excessive laughing, laughing to death, an urge to strangle someone, or the addiction to a computer. Ha!
2. None of the stuff on this blog is guaranteed to be true. If you do believe anything is true, you should go see the doctor who cures gullibility. If you quote me and my quote is factually incorrect or crazy, it’s your own fault.
3. I don’t collect any personal data except (for commenters) IP addresses and where you live (or where your proxy lives). I won’t do anything with this because I don’t care about you, since you are wholly insignificant compared to the rest of the universe.
4. The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42.
5. One nasty comment or unsubstantiated personal attack per IP address is allowed. After that, you have to send me US $1,000,000,000,000 per flame, or allow me to encrypt it in AES, or allow me to do anything i want with it.
6. You may not troll.
7. You may not frivolously sue me (I’m looking at you, SCO). Neither WordPress.com nor I am to be held responsible for any content on this page (I’m looking at you, RIAA).
8. You may not pursue frivolous litigation against Linux, at the risk of being called one of “SCO’s spawn”, “Bill Gates’ puppet”, or “the reason we have middle fingers”.
9. You may not post in chatspeak without permission, at the risk of being called one of “12-year old”, “mentally retarded”, “lazy”, or “AIM *****” (the ***** word is not a bad word per se, but is rather NSFW). I am not to be held responsible if you are assaulted by a person with a katana if you are a chatspeek repeat offender.
10. You may not be a Windows or Mac fanboy. I’d rather that you not be a Linux fanboy, either. Actually, NO FANBOYS ALLOWED!
11. I am allowed to censor all comments (not that you can do anything about it). Therefore, ANY FRIVOLOUS COMMENT TYPED IN ALL CAPS will be transposed to binary (ASCII).
12. Everything in here takes effect immediately.
13. I am not responsible for typs, spelling erors, or mistake grammars.
14. If you are a patent troll, you will be ridiculed as one of “the reason we have middle fingers”, “yet another idiot”, “troll”, “retard”, “abuser”, or “anti-imagination person”
15. If you hold any monopolistic or anticompetitive practices (that means you, Microsoft, Apple, and telcos!), you will be ridiculed in the same way as patent trolls.
16. When linking to my site, you must either verbally or visually indicate the phrase “Death to the RIAA!”. This may include putting it in the alt text or in parentheses next to the link. Blogrolls are not affected.
17. This one is for real: You must use the creative commons attribution share-alike license (or any license compatible with it) when making anything based off my work.
18. If you wish, all of these rules (except #17) may be nullified if you send to me proof that you shouted in the middle of Central Park in a Superman suit, “I am not crazy!” for one hour or until you were arrested.

19. If you are against pollution regulation, you must first breathe 60 moles of carbon monoxide.

20. You may not threaten to or actually throw any chairs at me (coug, Steve Ballmer, cough).

21. You may not be a KDE or Gnome fanboy.

22. You may not be an extremist or fundamentalist of any sort, at the risk of being fined $1000 for each visit to this site.

23. You agree that the content on this blog is provided “AS IS” without any warranty, either expressed or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose. The author will not be liable for any special, incidental, consequential or indirect damages due to loss of data or money or any other reason, including human stupidity.

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