Silent Football is perhaps the awesomest game that a group of people can play without any materials/props. Here are the rules, based on this page and this page:
Requirements:
Three or more players, and enough space so that the group can sit in a circle, allowing each player to see the knees of all other players. Realistically, Silent Football should have at least 7 players.
Objective:
Each player’s objective in the game is to not lose. One loses by being the first to accumulate five penance points. (Penance point distribution is discussed below.)
Introduction to Gameplay:
All players are arranged in a circle so that everyone can see the knees of all other players. One player is selected to be Mr. Dictator (This is the name of Mr. Dictator, regardless of gender). Mr. Dictator will basically run the game and will probably do most of the talking. Mr. Dictator can do anything he/she wants to do, such as changing the names of players to make things more entertaining or speaking whenever he/she wishes to.
Once everyone is arranged, Mr. Dictator should explain the rules of the game.
When the game starts, free speech is revoked and players may not speak unless called upon by Mr. Dictator. Players pass the Silent Football and try as hard as they can to not screw up. If a player screws up, he/she may be awarded Penance Points. When a player reaches 5 Penance Points, the game is over, the player has lost, and no other players have lost. If the game ends prematurely, the player with the most Penance Points loses.
The game is played until a loser is declared, until the game falls apart into fits of giggles, or until the game is forced to end. If a loser is declared, then he/she will be asked to leave the circle while the remaining players think of a penance for that player. The penance should be an embarrassing action, but any persons other than the losing player involved in the penance must give permission for it to happen.
Naming:
Before starting the game, players in the circle must choose a name for himself/herself. Players do not keep their names from outside of the universe. Mr. Dictator may take as long as he/she needs to memorize all the names, or write them down on paper.
The Circle:
The Circle is all that exists. It is the called “The Universe”, and nothing outside the universe exists—anything outside The Universe is a hallucination. Players therefore may not notice, watch, react to, or otherwise interact with entities that do not exist within The Universe without permission from Mr. Dictator. Food, drink, clothes, and everything brought into The Universe at the start of the game are part of The Universe and are not hallucinations. Random flailing gestures (such as seizures) may be made at any time without penalties.
Moving the Silent Football:
The Silent Football exists only in the minds of the players. Starting with Mr. Dictator, the Silent Football is moved from player to player with a series of hand motions. During motion of the football, the dictator is treated as any other player. Everyone is silent and respectful—this includes not trying to move the Silent Football when one does not possess it.
There are two offensive moves, the Fwap and the Zoom. These moves send the football from one player to another player in the circle.
There are two defensive moves: the Shrug and the Shrodem. These moves pass the Silent Football back to the player who passed it. (e.g. if Lawren zooms the football to Dan, Dan may refuse the football by shrugging, sending it back to Lawren.)
No move may be used more than two times in a row. Using defensive moves against each other is like dividing The Universe by 0, and may cause the offending player to immediately lose the game.
The Zoom:
The first offensive move is the Zoom. It is performed by making a fist and extending one’s straightened arm in any direction. One must make direct eye contact with the player that is to be the recipient of the Silent Football, but he/she does not need to point his/her fist at the receiving player. The recipient may not refuse a Zoom by avoiding eye contact with the zooming player.
The Fwap:
The other offensive move is the Fwap.
The Fwap is performed by striking one’s right hand upon one’s right knee, or by striking one’s left hand upon one’s left knee, or a careful combination of the two striking moves. Striking one’s knee with the opposite hand is meaningless. Every hit of the right knee moves the Silent Football one space to the right, and every hit of the left knee moves the Silent Football one space to the left. However, there are restrictions in fwapping:
- The Silent Football may never be more than three spaces away from the player doing the fwapping at any point in time. (e.g. this is illegal: Right-Right-Right-Right-Left)
- One may not fwap the football to or through him/herself. (i.e. Right-Left is illegal. Left-Right-Right is also illegal.)
- If a player has received the football via a Fwap and the player chooses to do a Fwap, then that player may not reverse the net direction of the fwappage.
- Excessive complication that confuses players (especially Mr. Dictator!), may be punishable by penance points.
- If a Fwap is interrupted (either by someone raising his/her hand, or by someone trying to pass the Silent Football during a pause in the fwap), the fwap continues on as if nothing has happened.
The Shrug:
The first defensive move is the Shrug. It is performed simply by shrugging one’s own shoulders. The Shrug passes the Silent Football back to the player who passed it.
The Shrodem:
The other defensive move is the Shrodem. A Shrodem is performed by taking one’s left hand and placing it horizontally across one’s chest, then placing one’s right elbow on his/her left fingers, then placing one’s right fingers on his/her temple. The Shrodem passes the Silent Football back to the player who passed it (the same way the Zoom works).
Again, a player must NEVER EVER SHRUG A SHRODEM NOR SHRODEM A SHRUG, for this will reduce the universe to a pile of ash and rubble. Plus, that player will immediately lose the game.
Tattling:
If a player happens to make an error during motion of the Silent Football, speaks out of turn, hallucinates some non-existent entity, tries to move the Silent Football when he/she does not possess it, or otherwise violates any rule contrary to the fine upstanding values of Silent Football, another player may attempt to tattle upon that player. To tattle, a player must raise his or her own hand and silently wait to be acknowledged by Mr. Dictator. After the player is acknowledged by Mr. Dictator, the tattler must state his/her complaint in the form of: “Mr. Dictator, (insert complaint here)”
There are a few restrictions to tattling, and any form of speech in general:
- One may never refer to a player by their real name. One must refer to a player only by the name chosen by that player at the beginning of the game.
- One may never refer to other players using personal pronouns, for such pronouns degrade people and make them feel bad. Such pronouns are called Heinous Pronouns, and using them to refer to other players is a Heinous Crime. One may refer to him/herself using first person pronouns, such as “I”, “me”, “my”, or the royal “we”. However, one may refer to hallucinations with Heinous Pronouns, because hallucinations are not people.
- When tattling on a player for using a Heinous Pronoun, one must encase the pronoun in quotes. For example, a complaint could be, “Mr. Dictator, Player X has used the Heinous Pronoun quote (insert pronoun) unquote.”
- Air quotes (i.e. bunny ears) are not substitutes for quotes. They indicate love of bunny rabbits. If air quotes are used, then the offending player will be asked if he/she loves bunny rabbits. If he/she says no, then he/she will receive penance points for perjury. If air quotes are used to contain a heinous pronoun instead of actual quotes, then the player will be given penance points for using a heinous pronoun.
